Vicki Anderson

We all seek leaders who are capable, knowledgeable, fearless, visionary, thoughtful, and a myriad of other qualities that are often so high minded that no one could ever live up to them. And yet, we can miss the fact that who we are looking for is someone like us, or who at least understands who we are and what we need. And, sometimes the right person to lead is actually us.

I often find that the reason people don’t step up to lead is more a matter of fear than lack of ability. They are afraid of the accountability that goes with leading. It is easier to criticize or blame someone else if things don’t turn out right. If there is less fear of reprisal or risk, people tend to get more involved.

This can happen at home, work, or school. If you seem to be holding back making decisions or if you are reluctant to volunteer your talents, ask yourself what you are afraid of. I once attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker asked the question, “If you could do anything in the world and knew you couldn’t fail, what would you be?” I was awakened to take a new direction in my career that I had been thinking about, but didn’t know how to go about it. I took the opportunity to talk to the speaker afterward and she asked me some questions to get me started in the right direction.

If you are withholding your talents from your home, work, or school, ask yourself what you are afraid of that is keeping you from being the best you can be by stepping up to take charge of your life or situation ahead.

If you are a leader and wonder why your employees don’t step up to take advantage of opportunities to get more involved, ask yourself what obstacles you can remove to help them have less fear. By listening more than trying to convince them you may find new paths to success. Your leadership may be more successful by sharing the power.

So, start with the person in the mirror. Who are you? Where do you want to go? What is stopping you? YOU are in charge.

Life is so fast these days that we only take time to look at the surface of things, people, and situations. We read a story on the internet, see a video clip on TV or hear a short report in a meeting and then we make our judgments. We make snap decisions that could have longlasting repercussions on minimal information. I know I’m bombarded with as much information as anyone and I’m just trying to do the best I can with the time I have.

However, I’d like to pause for a moment and reflect on the need to look behind the surface–at least once in a while.

When you are hiring an employee, what are you looking for? Are you most interested in the qualities of curiosity and an interest in learning, a customer-first attitude of service, integrity, reliability and a willingness to be held accountable for the promises made? Or are you swayed by their appearance, their weight, their color, their speech, and their ability to draft a good resume? We all change on the outside over time, but it’s what’s on the inside that makes all the difference.

Asking good interview questions to determine what is at the core of a person is not easy. It takes thought and preparation. Just hiring someone off the street because they are breathing will get you as much benefit as you put into it. If you want to have great employees who will work for your benefit as well as their own, you have to find out what they think, how they think, and what they will likely do. Behavioral interviewing using questions such as “Tell me about a time when…” have been around a long time and I think they are even more important now when so many people are looking for work. You have to be able to find the people who will be a good fit for your organization. A person whose values line up with your organization’s so they can truly support them.

If you are a person looking for a job, what do you have to offer? What is on your inside? Do you have the qualities that would show you are a good investment? How can you show that to a prospective employer? Think about what you have done that demonstrate your reliability, integrity, and willingness to grow and learn. Think about your values. Make sure you are looking for a place that has values that mesh with yours. If you want to be truly satisfied with an employer, look beyond the surface.

Who we are inside is what we carry with us our whole lives. It comes out in the actions we take, the decisions we make, and the people we choose to accompany. People will judge us by those outward signs, so we have to make sure that we are showing them the real person so they can make good judgments about us. And we need to do the same for others. Be willing to look beyond the obvious for the real truth.

I am appalled to hear about the latest victim of workplace bullying in Virginia where a man committed suicide because of a bullying boss. What is so crazy to me is that his coworkers knew about it and were saddened by it, but it took too long for the administration to do anything about it. The man made 17 calls to administration in the week leading up to the suicide. We do not know what action the administration planned to take, just that it is too late.

The problem with this situation is that it not only affects the person being bullied, but the coworkers as well. It is painful to watch it happening to someone else, wondering if it will happen to you. The tension can be enormous. You want the other person to speak up, but they are often so fearful of losing their job that they just try to measure up the best they can and take it. Unfortunately, this is usually about power, not performance, and unless someone else steps in or the person being bullied steps up, the bullying will not stop.

The tension created in these situations usually results in less performance overall because people are operating out of fear instead of working for continuous improvement and customer satisfaction. Organizations that take care of employees first know that the employee will in turn take care of the customer, which will take care of the business.

Be ever vigilant for people who use their position to wield their power. The successful leaders know that it is the people they help to succeed who will make them look good. In order to do that, you must coach, teach, and grow your staff. This is not possible if you are driving them with a whip. Scared people don’t grow and they don’t look out for anyone but themselves.

I am a big fan of the Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations books that help people talk in situations that are emotional, yet have high consequences. One of the lessons I have learned that I was reminded of lately is the way we often play the victim. We love to complain about the other person and what they are doing to us. For many reasons we feel we are justified in complaining because we feel we have no alternative to change the situation.

We are afraid to address performance problems of employees or difficult bosses who treat us unfairly. However, the content in the books provides great alternatives for addressing problems in ways that reduce defensiveness on both sides. As the problem escalates without being properly addressed, it is easy to put all the blame on the other person, but I want to stop you right there. Have you really thought about your part in the situation?

Did you go along with the behavior and fail to say it was unacceptable? We often let something slide once or twice thinking it was an anomaly and it will rectify itself. However, when it happens again and again, we now get more irritated and don’t know how to bring up the subject without getting emotional ourselves. I think the key is identifying that we had a part in the problem. If you observe inappropriate behavior or are the object of inappropriate behavior, it is important to say so. As a leader, this is very important if you want to have good performance from your employees. Don’t wait until the problem has happened three or four times before you say something. If you mention it the first time or two it becomes information, but by the third or fourth time, it becomes accusation, blaming, and defensiveness.

Think about it. If someone tells you about something you did wrong after you have done it that way for a period of time, wouldn’t you be embarrassed? Why didn’t they say something before?

If someone is mistreating you, own the fact that that you have been part of the problem by not speaking up previously. You could say that you didn’t know how to handle it before or that you would like to discuss what you would like to see in the future. The other person may or may not be as agreeable as you would like, but face it. You have had more time to think about it. Give them some time if it appears to be causing the other person difficulty. Set a time to get back to discuss it again. Just because the other person gets emotional does not mean it didn’t work. It’s just their immediate response. Refrain from throwing down the gauntlet and issuing ultimatums. Recognize your part and realize that in any relationship, it takes two.

Many people who are trying to make lifestyle changes get coaches. There are coaches for weight loss, smoking cessation, alcohol and drug addiction, and all kinds of skill training. It is a proven fact that if you have someone to support you with positive reinforcement or to help you stay motivated, you are more likely to make the changes long lasting.

This concept is also true for leadership skills. Many people have started using coaches to help them discuss their approaches to leading and help them learn through their immediate situations. However, I don’t think there is enough emphasis on support for changing behavior.

I was talking to a client the other day and suggested that she state in front of her staff that she is trying to be a better manager. She should say that she realizes that the way she has behaved in the past has been sometimes inappropriate and she plans to change that. She should ask for their help and support while she learns to be a better manager. People could gently let her know if she was falling off the wagon or they could give her kudos when she seems to be doing it right.

The benefit of doing this is not only support for the manager, but it makes the staff look at the manager differently and perhaps judge with different criteria. Many times people try to change, but others still view them with the same eyes, so they never get the benefit of others seeing the change. Trust is built on the behaviors we see, not the behaviors we say we will do. Therefore, if you want someone to believe you are trying to be better, you have to do things they will see. However, if they aren’t looking for it, they still might not see it.

What do you think? Does this make a person seem strong or weak to do this? To me, it is no different from the alcoholic who stands up and and says “I’m an alcoholic and I need your help.” It is owning the problem and showing that you are earnest about fixing it.