It just goes to prove what I have always said, and that is to deal with issues as they arise. Don’t bottle it up. What this leader had to say was right on, but the words were preachy because there was so much emotion tied to them. It seemed that it was spontaneous as well, which is another recipe for disaster.

Whether you are addressing an issue with one or a roomful, it pays to think about what you want to say so that you can be tactful, professional, and address only the issue, not blame the person. Once people feel they have been damaged, their response will be to put up their defenses. When that happens, they are not listening; they are only figuring out how to flee or fight back.

Being tactful and professional is not very easy when you are in an emotional state, which is why you should always address issues before they get you into that state. It is much easier to talk about an issue calmly when it has just happened. Be specific about what you saw/heard and want changed. Then be quiet and allow the other person to respond. It is less likely they will get defensive when you are specific and timely. It is very embarrassing to think you have been doing something that irritated another or made repeated mistakes but no one has said anything until much later. You thought you were just fine. So, find a time to discuss it very soon after the occurrence of the problem.

Finally, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Why would a reasonable person do what the other person is doing? It is easier to talk calmly when you try to see the other side and you will get a better reception for your thoughts.

While I don’t scream at my clients like Bob and Jillian do on “Biggest Loser” I do help my clients pull back the screen and be honest with themselves. So often we want to be different. We want to try something new, but we have deluded ourselves with our own story so long that we believe it is the only truth for us. Sometimes having an outside person can help you get perspective.

This morning as I was doing exercises on my Wii Fit I tried a couple new exercises that I couldn’t do very well. What I like about the Wii is that it gives you some feedback. It’s not always that accurate if you aren’t really trying because it can only measure certain movement. However, it does give you a sense of your fitness level if you are doing it right. And, you can do it in the privacy of your home without being embarrassed.

The feedback is the biggest part of support, I think, because having someone or something outside yourself give you a reality check helps you move toward your goal. It provides accountability. If you are really trying to make changes, you need some kind of support. Ask a friend, a colleague, a family member, or an outside expert to meet with you regularly to discuss your progress and your practice. Keep track by writing it down. Document what you did to get you where you are and what you plan to do next. Before you know it, you’ll arrive at your goal and you’ll have someone to celebrate with.

The one tip I can give you is not to procrastinate saying something. It is much easier to talk about a problem when there is little emotion to it. Once you have worked yourself up about it and are really upset, it is very hard to talk in a calm voice and use words that will keep others from getting defensive. Besides, isn’t it embarrassing for someone to tell you that you have been doing something wrong for a while and they let you keep doing it because they didn’t know how to tell you? No wonder people get defensive. Say something as soon as you know about it.

I like to think of feedback as “useful information” so if someone has a problem with something I am doing, I would want “useful information” to change it. However, if you just have a different way of doing things, or you don’t like the color of my hair or the way I hold my pencil, then keep it to yourself. I would, of course, get defensive because that would be personal and it would be hard for me to see it as “useful information.”

If you will keep the conversation focused on what the other person is doing or saying that needs to change, it is much easier for them to see it as useful information. For example, “When you were helping that customer, I saw you roll your eyes when she was trying to show you what was wrong with the dress that she was returning. How do you think that made her feel?” You see, we are talking about something specific the person did that you saw. You can then discuss the importance of using good body language that communicates you care about the customer. And, the conversation should happen soon after the occurrence, not two weeks later.

An important part of a leader’s job is coaching, which means giving feedback to help people know what they are doing right and what they should improve. Never procrastinate the postive or the negative. Lack of either one limits growth.

I see feedback as useful information and the key word is “useful.” If the person you are giving feedback to would not be able to see the information as useful, then you should keep it to yourself. If it is indeed useful, then you should tell them in a way that would sound useful. That means no accusing, blaming, or condescending tone of voice or aggressive body language.

For feedback to be useful, it needs to have an element of helpfulness or good intentions. We all want to be free from error, but let’s face it. We are humanly fallible. We do not know everything and cannot do everything without any error. Therefore, we should expect to hear about corrections needed. If we want to receive useful information, I think you have to be open to it. Many people will not give others feedback because they are afraid of how it is received so they are awkward in how to give it.

I so often hear people ask for the truth, but when they get it they act like they don’t want it. They look for an ulterior motive or excuse not to believe it. Perhaps if we were truly open to the truth, people would be willing to give it to us. And, we might learn something.

Just as you have to be consistently firm, yet loving with your children, you need to do the same with your employees. Children need some structure and they need to know their boundaries. The same is true for adults. The better the leader has maintained an appropriate structure and given people clear expectations, the more effective they tend to be. People can be allowed to use initiative and yet know they have a support available when needed.

When children misbehave they receive consequences of some sort to correct their behavior. When adults don’t do what they are supposed to do, I continue to find it amazing how often there are no consequences. There are a lot of wringing hands and griping about how the employee isn’t performing as expected, but nothing is done or said until the pattern has gone on so long that it is an ugly interaction.

Why is it that we cannot just give people simple feedback about whether they are doing the right work or not, whether they are behaving appropriately or not, or whether they are contributing to the organization or are being a drain? Ongoing feedback is a consequence that is welcome because it lets you know where you stand. It gives you the score. Ongoing feedback addresses issues when they are small, not waiting until they escalate.

Shouldn’t we treat those we lead as well as we treat our children? Don’t they deserve to know what we expect from them? And, don’t they deserve to have reinforcing and correcting consequences in real time, not “wait until your father gets home” mentality where the consequence is stored up for later?