Vicki Anderson

If someone were to tell you that your tire was going flat or that you had just dropped something from your bag, you would be appreciative of the information. Yet, when someone tells you about a mistake made in your work that wall of defensiveness goes up, the excuses start to roll and emotion kicks in to justify ourselves. Why is it that what we do and who we are is so intensely connected that it is difficult to hear any constructive feedback?

I see feedback as useful information and the key word is “useful.” If the person you are giving feedback to would not be able to see the information as useful, then you should keep it to yourself. If it is indeed useful, then you should tell them in a way that would sound useful. That means no accusing, blaming, or condescending tone of voice or aggressive body language.

For feedback to be useful, it needs to have an element of helpfulness or good intentions. We all want to be free from error, but let’s face it. We are humanly fallible. We do not know everything and cannot do everything without any error. Therefore, we should expect to hear about corrections needed. If we want to receive useful information, I think you have to be open to it. Many people will not give others feedback because they are afraid of how it is received so they are awkward in how to give it.

I so often hear people ask for the truth, but when they get it they act like they don’t want it. They look for an ulterior motive or excuse not to believe it. Perhaps if we were truly open to the truth, people would be willing to give it to us. And, we might learn something.

Whenever I talk to people about leadership there always seems to be comparisons with raising children. I guess it’s because we are all still kids at heart and the behaviors we learned as a child tend to stay with us as adults.

Just as you have to be consistently firm, yet loving with your children, you need to do the same with your employees. Children need some structure and they need to know their boundaries. The same is true for adults. The better the leader has maintained an appropriate structure and given people clear expectations, the more effective they tend to be. People can be allowed to use initiative and yet know they have a support available when needed.

When children misbehave they receive consequences of some sort to correct their behavior. When adults don’t do what they are supposed to do, I continue to find it amazing how often there are no consequences. There are a lot of wringing hands and griping about how the employee isn’t performing as expected, but nothing is done or said until the pattern has gone on so long that it is an ugly interaction.

Why is it that we cannot just give people simple feedback about whether they are doing the right work or not, whether they are behaving appropriately or not, or whether they are contributing to the organization or are being a drain? Ongoing feedback is a consequence that is welcome because it lets you know where you stand. It gives you the score. Ongoing feedback addresses issues when they are small, not waiting until they escalate.

Shouldn’t we treat those we lead as well as we treat our children? Don’t they deserve to know what we expect from them? And, don’t they deserve to have reinforcing and correcting consequences in real time, not “wait until your father gets home” mentality where the consequence is stored up for later?