Vicki Anderson

The Today Show has been running a series of stories this week on civility in our culture and whether it is completely dead or just sleeping. They pointed out the pervasion of mean, riotous behavior and foul language in the reality shows, movies, and other media. It has become so common place that it appears acceptable. But is it really?

I wonder if we aren’t getting so fed up with all of the negative nasty behavior and the consequences such as the young people who have committed suicide from being bullied. Kids have always teased each other, but today they can be more ugly about it than ever including putting things on the internet to embarrass someone publicly and viciously. As more parents are standing up to object to the bullying and as more people are pushing for political correctness in the way we talk to and about others, I think this is a move toward greater civility.

The key to success in turning around the negative cycle into which we have entered is to refocus on the proper way to treat others. In recent years we have heard more about the “platinum rule” which says to treat others as they would want to be treated. This takes into consideration different cultures and individual feelings. However, I do think there are standards of manners that are universal that should be taught and reinforced for every child and adult.

What ever happened to please and thank you? When was the last time you thanked someone for bringing your food to your table or for giving you the change correctly with a smile or handing you the food through the window efficiently? Think of all the rude people they have to deal with daily and how much nicer they might be if their customers appreciated their service. When you encounter someone who serves you with a smile, do you return it?

Do you open the door for someone or hold the door for the person behind you? Then do you say thank you to the person who did it for you?

As a leader, when was the last time you thanked your employees sincerely for doing their work? People are more likely to work harder for someone who appreciates it. And as a parent, what kind of a model are you setting for your children? What manners are they learning from you by watching you every day?

I don’t care what you see around you. You can take the high road and have civility start with you. If you are a person in a leadership role, you can expect it from those around you. If you are a parent, you should expect it from your children. And have consequences if you don’t see it or hear it. If we are really sick of this uncivil trend, it is up to us to change it. Look in the mirror. It starts with you.

We all seek leaders who are capable, knowledgeable, fearless, visionary, thoughtful, and a myriad of other qualities that are often so high minded that no one could ever live up to them. And yet, we can miss the fact that who we are looking for is someone like us, or who at least understands who we are and what we need. And, sometimes the right person to lead is actually us.

I often find that the reason people don’t step up to lead is more a matter of fear than lack of ability. They are afraid of the accountability that goes with leading. It is easier to criticize or blame someone else if things don’t turn out right. If there is less fear of reprisal or risk, people tend to get more involved.

This can happen at home, work, or school. If you seem to be holding back making decisions or if you are reluctant to volunteer your talents, ask yourself what you are afraid of. I once attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker asked the question, “If you could do anything in the world and knew you couldn’t fail, what would you be?” I was awakened to take a new direction in my career that I had been thinking about, but didn’t know how to go about it. I took the opportunity to talk to the speaker afterward and she asked me some questions to get me started in the right direction.

If you are withholding your talents from your home, work, or school, ask yourself what you are afraid of that is keeping you from being the best you can be by stepping up to take charge of your life or situation ahead.

If you are a leader and wonder why your employees don’t step up to take advantage of opportunities to get more involved, ask yourself what obstacles you can remove to help them have less fear. By listening more than trying to convince them you may find new paths to success. Your leadership may be more successful by sharing the power.

So, start with the person in the mirror. Who are you? Where do you want to go? What is stopping you? YOU are in charge.

Life is so fast these days that we only take time to look at the surface of things, people, and situations. We read a story on the internet, see a video clip on TV or hear a short report in a meeting and then we make our judgments. We make snap decisions that could have longlasting repercussions on minimal information. I know I’m bombarded with as much information as anyone and I’m just trying to do the best I can with the time I have.

However, I’d like to pause for a moment and reflect on the need to look behind the surface–at least once in a while.

When you are hiring an employee, what are you looking for? Are you most interested in the qualities of curiosity and an interest in learning, a customer-first attitude of service, integrity, reliability and a willingness to be held accountable for the promises made? Or are you swayed by their appearance, their weight, their color, their speech, and their ability to draft a good resume? We all change on the outside over time, but it’s what’s on the inside that makes all the difference.

Asking good interview questions to determine what is at the core of a person is not easy. It takes thought and preparation. Just hiring someone off the street because they are breathing will get you as much benefit as you put into it. If you want to have great employees who will work for your benefit as well as their own, you have to find out what they think, how they think, and what they will likely do. Behavioral interviewing using questions such as “Tell me about a time when…” have been around a long time and I think they are even more important now when so many people are looking for work. You have to be able to find the people who will be a good fit for your organization. A person whose values line up with your organization’s so they can truly support them.

If you are a person looking for a job, what do you have to offer? What is on your inside? Do you have the qualities that would show you are a good investment? How can you show that to a prospective employer? Think about what you have done that demonstrate your reliability, integrity, and willingness to grow and learn. Think about your values. Make sure you are looking for a place that has values that mesh with yours. If you want to be truly satisfied with an employer, look beyond the surface.

Who we are inside is what we carry with us our whole lives. It comes out in the actions we take, the decisions we make, and the people we choose to accompany. People will judge us by those outward signs, so we have to make sure that we are showing them the real person so they can make good judgments about us. And we need to do the same for others. Be willing to look beyond the obvious for the real truth.

I was listening to Michael Eisner this morning on the Today Show talk about the importance of partnering as a promotion for his new book. I totally agree that you don’t get very far without a partner. He was saying that in kindergarten we are taught to share, but as we get older, it’s all about individualism. And, yet, every successful person has had someone who helped them in some way.

Whether it is your spouse, a business partner, or a study buddy, having someone else to share ideas with and share the load, makes the road easier to travel. No one person can know it all or do it all. And, yet, I often see people who surround themselves with people who are just like them instead of looking for the opposite. It’s the yin and yang. If you are outgoing and a big picture thinker, you would probably benefit from having a partner who is quieter and looks at the details. Good partners pick up where you lack. Even though it may be aggravating to have people who look at things differently, it’s the difference that makes the whole.

I recently had an interview with a potential client that I would be working with through a partnership with another group of trainers. They asked me how I manage my own business while partnering with another business to serve clients. I told them that I have really enjoyed partnering with other professionals. I don’t see it as a conflict at all. The clients clearly know that I have my own business, but while I am working with them on that project, I am working on behalf of the professional who has contracted with me to partner on the project. I don’t feel it makes my business less. It adds to my business projects that I wouldn’t otherwise have. It lets me serve people I wouldn’t otherwise meet.

I encourage people to find good partners. Students can partner with other students or with teachers or with other parents, even. Business people can look for partners in their own organization or in their community or on line. When you open yourself up to partnering with someone, you have to be willing to help the partner as well as be helped. Open your mind to thinking about things in different ways. Look for the strengths in each person and capitalize on those strengths instead of focusing on the other person’s weaknesses. See what those strengths offer to you.

Partnerships often start when you are placed in close proximity to another person because of a project, work or living arrangement. Something starts to click and you realize you are better together than you are apart. I think the most successful people are open to these relationships so they happen more often to them. They realize they are not less because they share the load, they become more.

Do you have difficulty working with a coworker or your boss or even a customer? Have you ever put off talking to someone about a problem and hoped it would get better by itself? Well, unfortunately, there’s no fairy godmother and problems like this rarely rectify themselves.

The one tip I can give you is not to procrastinate saying something. It is much easier to talk about a problem when there is little emotion to it. Once you have worked yourself up about it and are really upset, it is very hard to talk in a calm voice and use words that will keep others from getting defensive. Besides, isn’t it embarrassing for someone to tell you that you have been doing something wrong for a while and they let you keep doing it because they didn’t know how to tell you? No wonder people get defensive. Say something as soon as you know about it.

I like to think of feedback as “useful information” so if someone has a problem with something I am doing, I would want “useful information” to change it. However, if you just have a different way of doing things, or you don’t like the color of my hair or the way I hold my pencil, then keep it to yourself. I would, of course, get defensive because that would be personal and it would be hard for me to see it as “useful information.”

If you will keep the conversation focused on what the other person is doing or saying that needs to change, it is much easier for them to see it as useful information. For example, “When you were helping that customer, I saw you roll your eyes when she was trying to show you what was wrong with the dress that she was returning. How do you think that made her feel?” You see, we are talking about something specific the person did that you saw. You can then discuss the importance of using good body language that communicates you care about the customer. And, the conversation should happen soon after the occurrence, not two weeks later.

An important part of a leader’s job is coaching, which means giving feedback to help people know what they are doing right and what they should improve. Never procrastinate the postive or the negative. Lack of either one limits growth.