The one tip I can give you is not to procrastinate saying something. It is much easier to talk about a problem when there is little emotion to it. Once you have worked yourself up about it and are really upset, it is very hard to talk in a calm voice and use words that will keep others from getting defensive. Besides, isn’t it embarrassing for someone to tell you that you have been doing something wrong for a while and they let you keep doing it because they didn’t know how to tell you? No wonder people get defensive. Say something as soon as you know about it.

I like to think of feedback as “useful information” so if someone has a problem with something I am doing, I would want “useful information” to change it. However, if you just have a different way of doing things, or you don’t like the color of my hair or the way I hold my pencil, then keep it to yourself. I would, of course, get defensive because that would be personal and it would be hard for me to see it as “useful information.”

If you will keep the conversation focused on what the other person is doing or saying that needs to change, it is much easier for them to see it as useful information. For example, “When you were helping that customer, I saw you roll your eyes when she was trying to show you what was wrong with the dress that she was returning. How do you think that made her feel?” You see, we are talking about something specific the person did that you saw. You can then discuss the importance of using good body language that communicates you care about the customer. And, the conversation should happen soon after the occurrence, not two weeks later.

An important part of a leader’s job is coaching, which means giving feedback to help people know what they are doing right and what they should improve. Never procrastinate the postive or the negative. Lack of either one limits growth.

We are afraid to address performance problems of employees or difficult bosses who treat us unfairly. However, the content in the books provides great alternatives for addressing problems in ways that reduce defensiveness on both sides. As the problem escalates without being properly addressed, it is easy to put all the blame on the other person, but I want to stop you right there. Have you really thought about your part in the situation?

Did you go along with the behavior and fail to say it was unacceptable? We often let something slide once or twice thinking it was an anomaly and it will rectify itself. However, when it happens again and again, we now get more irritated and don’t know how to bring up the subject without getting emotional ourselves. I think the key is identifying that we had a part in the problem. If you observe inappropriate behavior or are the object of inappropriate behavior, it is important to say so. As a leader, this is very important if you want to have good performance from your employees. Don’t wait until the problem has happened three or four times before you say something. If you mention it the first time or two it becomes information, but by the third or fourth time, it becomes accusation, blaming, and defensiveness.

Think about it. If someone tells you about something you did wrong after you have done it that way for a period of time, wouldn’t you be embarrassed? Why didn’t they say something before?

If someone is mistreating you, own the fact that that you have been part of the problem by not speaking up previously. You could say that you didn’t know how to handle it before or that you would like to discuss what you would like to see in the future. The other person may or may not be as agreeable as you would like, but face it. You have had more time to think about it. Give them some time if it appears to be causing the other person difficulty. Set a time to get back to discuss it again. Just because the other person gets emotional does not mean it didn’t work. It’s just their immediate response. Refrain from throwing down the gauntlet and issuing ultimatums. Recognize your part and realize that in any relationship, it takes two.

I see feedback as useful information and the key word is “useful.” If the person you are giving feedback to would not be able to see the information as useful, then you should keep it to yourself. If it is indeed useful, then you should tell them in a way that would sound useful. That means no accusing, blaming, or condescending tone of voice or aggressive body language.

For feedback to be useful, it needs to have an element of helpfulness or good intentions. We all want to be free from error, but let’s face it. We are humanly fallible. We do not know everything and cannot do everything without any error. Therefore, we should expect to hear about corrections needed. If we want to receive useful information, I think you have to be open to it. Many people will not give others feedback because they are afraid of how it is received so they are awkward in how to give it.

I so often hear people ask for the truth, but when they get it they act like they don’t want it. They look for an ulterior motive or excuse not to believe it. Perhaps if we were truly open to the truth, people would be willing to give it to us. And, we might learn something.

A good rule of thumb is to think about whether you would want your words on the front page of the New York Times (because they could be), the lead story on CNN, or would you say them in front of your minister, your children, or your mother. Reticence is the better part of valor when it comes to tense situations.

Unfortunately, we are also human and when someone presses you constantly as the media tends to do, you say things under duress that given a chance to think about it, you wouldn’t say. I once did a training session for senior managers of a delivery company and we set up a situation where a truck containing hazardous materials had turned over and some media people just happened to be in the area and got to the scene quickly. It was very interesting to see how the managers in charge handled the simulated pressure. If you haven’t ever had any kind of disaster drill at your work, it would be good to set up one. What would you say if xxx happened there? Being a good leader means thinking ahead. BP has learned this the hard way. Don’t make the same mistake.

Just take a look around and you will see that it has less to do with language and more to do with how you happen to perceive the situation at hand. While you may not perceive the situation to be worthy of much communication, there is always someone else who needs way more than you are giving. And vice versa. You may need more than someone is giving you. Plus, it is not just the amount of communication, but what you need or want to know.

It depends on how you are involved and what stake you have in the situation. It is easy to look at the needs of the situation from your standpoint, but if you really want to be known as a good communicator, take time to evaluate other vantage points. Listen to others and involve them in decisions where possible. It is amazing how smart you will be perceived to be when you have become a good listener to other perceptions than your own. And how much less stress you will experience from communication aftershocks!