It’s my fault, too?
I am a big fan of the Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations books that help people talk in situations that are emotional, yet have high consequences. One of the lessons I have learned that I was reminded of lately is the way we often play the victim. We love to complain about the other person and what they are doing to us. For many reasons we feel we are justified in complaining because we feel we have no alternative to change the situation.
We are afraid to address performance problems of employees or difficult bosses who treat us unfairly. However, the content in the books provides great alternatives for addressing problems in ways that reduce defensiveness on both sides. As the problem escalates without being properly addressed, it is easy to put all the blame on the other person, but I want to stop you right there. Have you really thought about your part in the situation?
Did you go along with the behavior and fail to say it was unacceptable? We often let something slide once or twice thinking it was an anomaly and it will rectify itself. However, when it happens again and again, we now get more irritated and don’t know how to bring up the subject without getting emotional ourselves. I think the key is identifying that we had a part in the problem. If you observe inappropriate behavior or are the object of inappropriate behavior, it is important to say so. As a leader, this is very important if you want to have good performance from your employees. Don’t wait until the problem has happened three or four times before you say something. If you mention it the first time or two it becomes information, but by the third or fourth time, it becomes accusation, blaming, and defensiveness.
Think about it. If someone tells you about something you did wrong after you have done it that way for a period of time, wouldn’t you be embarrassed? Why didn’t they say something before?
If someone is mistreating you, own the fact that that you have been part of the problem by not speaking up previously. You could say that you didn’t know how to handle it before or that you would like to discuss what you would like to see in the future. The other person may or may not be as agreeable as you would like, but face it. You have had more time to think about it. Give them some time if it appears to be causing the other person difficulty. Set a time to get back to discuss it again. Just because the other person gets emotional does not mean it didn’t work. It’s just their immediate response. Refrain from throwing down the gauntlet and issuing ultimatums. Recognize your part and realize that in any relationship, it takes two.
